


Pristine Misunderstandings

by angelofthequeers



Series: Oneshots [41]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Awesome Castiel (Supernatural), Awesome Dean Winchester, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Misunderstandings, No Angst, Okay so it's basically just Sam gets a whole lot of happiness, Sam deserves love, See I can write something without Destiel as the focus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 12:02:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14544306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelofthequeers/pseuds/angelofthequeers
Summary: Sam overhears something and comes to entirely the wrong conclusion. Hell, he never would've expected what wasactuallygoing on, and he's certainly not going to complain about Dean and Cas' surprise.Not that kind of surprise, you assholes.





	Pristine Misunderstandings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SocialMoth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SocialMoth/gifts).



> Disclaimer: I don’t own SPN.
> 
> This mess of an inside joke is for my friend, who started this whole ‘pristine assholes’ thing in the first place.

“Stop! No licking butt on my bed!”

Sam, who was passing by Dean’s bedroom on his way to bed, screeched to a halt. What the hell did he just hear? Who was licking their ass on Dean’s bed?

“I don’t think –”

“STOP LICKING!” Dean cut Cas off. Oh, no. If Dean and Cas were alone in the room together…and someone was licking their ass…

It wasn’t like Sam was surprised or anything. This had been building for literally years. But sweet Jesus, he did _not_ need to hear about his brother’s sexual activities! He’d walked in on Dean’s naked ass far too often. The _least_ Dean could do was keep it quiet if he was getting a rim job, and –

Yep, that was enough thinking about Cas licking his brother’s naked ass.

“IT’S SO WET! STOP!”

“Dean, you’re being unreasonable –”

“STOP SPREADING YOUR BUTT GERMS! I did _not_ consent to this, Cas!”

Sam was about to burst in there, naked asses be damned, because he loved Cas, but he wasn’t going to stand there and let Cas do things that Dean hadn’t consented to. But he decided to stop and listen a little longer to gather more information. Dean didn’t sound like he was actually being violated, and bursting in would no doubt cause enough embarrassment to go around. Plus, for all Sam knew, they had some kinky fantasy going on where it wasn’t a serious no unless there was a safe word or something.

No, Sam hadn’t ever delved into the BDSM side of the internet, thank you very much.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Cas said. “It’s not _that_ filthy.”

“Not that filthy? Cas, it’s an _asshole_! You just don’t lick assholes!”

“Why not? Cleanliness is –”

“How the hell is licking an asshole cleanliness? Maybe you’re okay with filthy assholes, but I prefer mine clean. Nice and pristine.”

“Pristine assholes?” Cas deadpanned. “You’re being ridiculous, Dean.”

Having heard enough, Sam turned and bolted back to the main room of the bunker. Who needed a bed? It wasn’t _that_ bad sleeping at the table. It was certainly better than hearing very loud rim jobs between his brother and best friend. They were so copping an earful the next morning.

* * *

 

“Right,” Sam said loudly in the kitchen the next day, after coffee had been made and distributed. “I have a bone to pick with you guys.”

Dean and Cas jumped and shot each other guilty looks. Sam took a deep sip of coffee.

“Now, I know you’re both grown adults,” he said. “And I’m not a prude by any means. But really, a little respect would be nice.”

“What are you talking about?” Dean said. His eyes flicked to Cas again.

“Don’t play dumb,” Sam said. “I heard you two assholes last night!”

At the word ‘assholes’, Cas’ cheeks flushed a bright red, and Dean cleared his throat and buried himself in his coffee. Sam smirked. Maybe this would teach them to be a bit more considerate when bumping junk.

“Sam, it’s not –”

“Not what I think?” Sam cut across Cas. “Because I’m pretty sure that there’s no other way to interpret what I heard.”

“We were gonna tell you,” Dean blurted out. “We just – had to get a few things out the way first –”

“I support you!” Sam said. “Really, I do. But if you’re gonna be –” He shuddered. “If you’re giving each other rim – I mean, if you’re together then just please keep it down!”

“Wait, what?” Dean said.

“Sam –” Cas said.

“Seriously, I’m so happy for you,” Sam pressed on. “Y’know, finally getting your shit together. But I don’t need to hear your – your _extracurricular activities_!”

“Sam, what the fuck?” Dean said. “Cas and I – we’re not –”

“You don’t need to deny it,” Sam said with what he hoped was a reassuring smile. With so many years of experience with Dean’s emotional constipation and hypermasculinity, the last thing he needed was to scare his brother off. “Like I said, I’m happy for you! But come on, a little respect –”

“Dean’s right,” Cas said. “We’re not together. We weren’t engaged in intercourse last night.”

“Never call it that again,” Dean muttered.

“Wait, what?” Sam’s brain broke. How the hell else could last night be interpreted? If Cas was denying it, then they couldn’t be together. But what –

“Oh, no,” Dean said when a faint crashing sound reached their ears.

“What the hell’s going on?” Sam demanded.

“This isn’t how we wanted you to find out, Sam,” Cas said. “We were going to tell you when we had everything in order –”

Cas was interrupted by a louder crash, then the sound of rapid footsteps. Before Sam could ask who the hell was in the bunker with them, a blur of yellow came cannoning around the corner and barrelled straight into Cas, knocking the ex-angel to the ground.

“Is – is that a _dog_?” Sam spluttered when the blur of yellow turned out to be a golden retriever. But honestly, the bigger surprise was hearing Cas _laugh_ as the dog bounded around and licked his face.

“We were waiting till we had her chipped and everything,” Dean said quickly, raising his voice over Cas’ laughter. “We got her yesterday – that’s where we went – and – goddammit, she was s’posed to be your birthday gift!”

“My – my _what_?”

“‘S your birthday in a few days.” Dean suddenly looked super uncomfortable, looking anywhere but Sam. He reached out and grabbed the dog by the collar, gently pulling her off Cas and commanding her to sit. “And – and I know you’ve always wanted a dog, but it’s never been the right time and we never had a place to settle down in – but Cas thought that we could get her now, since it’s been pretty quiet, and we’ve got the bunker –”

“In retrospect, I’m not sure how we thought we could hide her for several days,” Cas said, wiping the dog drool off his face with the sleeve of his trench coat. “She’s rather…noticeable.”

“You got me a _dog_?” Okay, so Sam was just repeating himself, but how the hell was he supposed to process the fact that his brother and best friend had gotten him a _dog_?

“Her name’s Belle,” Dean said. “We went to the closest shelter and, well…she kinda picked us. And you’re always goin’ on your morning runs, so we don’t gotta worry about her not getting fresh air, and we’ve been working on extending the bunker’s warding so she can go outside safely, and – _oof_!”

Before he could even think about it, Sam had thrown his arms around Dean and was squeezing his older brother tight enough to choke. Wheezing, Dean awkwardly patted Sam on the back.

“‘Kay – ‘kay – leggo –”

When Sam finally released him, Dean coughed and pushed on his ribs, but he was smiling so Sam wasn’t too worried about having inadvertently broken his big brother’s ribcage.

“I – thank you.” Sam sounded a little choked-up but really, he didn’t give a fuck. Dean and Cas had gotten him a _dog_! “This is – it’s the best birthday gift I could’ve – I wasn’t expecting anything –”

“It was our pleasure, Sam,” Cas said, stroking Belle’s ears. “We knew how much you’ve wanted a dog, and now’s as good a time as any. She’s scheduled to be microchipped and have a check-up tomorrow –”

Sam cut him off with a tight hug of his own, kneeling down to squeeze Cas around the torso. Cas spluttered but did his best to hug back, even though he must have been slowly suffocating to death, and he exhaled deeply when Sam finally let him go.

“You guys –” Sam shook his head. “You’re both – oh my god – can I pat her?”

“Course you can,” Dean said. “She’s your dog.”

Sam shuffled around to face Belle, who stared at him with wide, intelligent brown eyes. He held his hand out for her to sniff but, to his surprise, she went straight for the licking and he let out a sharp cry of surprise and whipped his hand back.

“No! Don’t lick!” he laughed. Then he froze. “Wait – oh my god – so I was hearing –”

“She was licking her ass on _my_ bed!” Dean said, shooting Cas a look.

“I suppose I can understand why it would sound like we were having sex if you didn’t know that we had a dog in there,” Cas said. Sam just snorted, smirking to himself when he caught sight of how Dean’s cheeks reddened when Cas said ‘we were having sex’. Okay, so even if they weren’t actually together, it’d only be a matter of time.

“Hey, Belle!” Sam said softly, carding his fingers through her soft fur. Belle just licked him on the cheek, and he laughed and leaned in to wrap his arms around her neck, burying his face in her fur. She smelled vividly of freshness, rather than the earthy dog smell he was expecting, and Sam couldn’t help but wonder when Dean and Cas had found the time to bathe her without him even noticing.

“Well…happy early birthday, Sammy,” Dean said a little awkwardly. “Don’t say I never did anything for ya.”

“I love her already.” Sam’s voice cracked.

“Yeah, yeah, Samantha.”

* * *

 

Naturally, when Sam passed Dean’s room that night and heard, “Gah – stop – your tongue – get that away from my ass!” he simply raised an eyebrow and continued on his way back to his own room, where a nice pair of noise-cancelling headphones were waiting for him. He wasn’t _blind_ , after all, and buying them earlier today had been a given if he didn’t want to be deaf either.

The next morning, as Dean entered the kitchen with wild hair and wearing his dead guy robe, Sam just sat there with a smug smile and sipped his fruit smoothie. After all, Belle had been with him all night, so he had a very good idea of just who’d been licking Dean’s asshole to pristineness.

“I thought you saw pristine assholes as ridiculous, Dean,” Sam said with an innocent little smile. Dean choked and nearly dropped the mug in his hand, a crimson flush spreading up his face and across his forehead.

“I – not what –”

“Belle was with me last night,” Sam continued. “So unless you smuggled another pet in with Cas –”

“How about you shut the fuck up?” Dean filled two cups with coffee and stormed out of the kitchen, face bright scarlet. Sam noted the extra cup and sat back in his chair triumphantly, lazily stroking Belle’s head. Her check-up was today, and he was going to take her to the nearest park later for a few hours and run with her. After all, why go on morning runs when he had a dog he could play with and get fit with now?

And hey, if that gave Dean and Cas some more time alone in the bunker, it was a win-win for all of them.


End file.
